We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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