whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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