having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
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I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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