Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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