You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
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