I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize