yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize