.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
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You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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