Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We left the knife in your bed.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize