She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
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You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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