Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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