ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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