matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize