So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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