I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
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I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
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You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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