he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
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My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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