ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
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Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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