god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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