I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
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I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
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How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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