grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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