Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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