Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
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obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
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Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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