Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
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They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
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Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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