The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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