So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
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The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The Olympian is in my bed
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