My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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