He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
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Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
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Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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