So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
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Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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