The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
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Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
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The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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