At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize