I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
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You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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