He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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