Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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