getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
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Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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