Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(410): View more from Maryland

He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success

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(410): He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success http://tfl.nu/9mnw

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0

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(856): View more from New Jersey

take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.

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(856): take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month. http://tfl.nu/ebzl

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.

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(203): i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse. http://tfl.nu/mns9

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(630): View more from Illinois

just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

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(630): just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now. http://tfl.nu/m10w

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish

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(828): Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish http://tfl.nu/vvox

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(440): View more from Ohio

Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.

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(440): Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved. http://tfl.nu/6524

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

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(203): Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end. http://tfl.nu/e1gy

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(913): View more from Kansas

The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.

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(913): The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight. http://tfl.nu/vdus

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(620): View more from Kansas

Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.

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(620): Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/58do

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.

(580): View more from Oklahoma

....this is what your political science major is getting you?

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(405): New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot. (580): ....this is what your political science major is getting you? http://tfl.nu/c72s

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.

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(270): I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde. http://tfl.nu/pj3w

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(650): View more from California

Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night

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(650): Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night http://tfl.nu/338b

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(925): View more from California

I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send

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(925): I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send http://tfl.nu/fpx2

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(937): View more from Ohio

I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.

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(937): I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies. http://tfl.nu/8j70

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