There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
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I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
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He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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