Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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