theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
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I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
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She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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