So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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