loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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