So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize