proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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