Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize