Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
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I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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