My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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