theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
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I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
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He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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