Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
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we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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