you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
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Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
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I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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