My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
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dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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