those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
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Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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